First, can you guess how many emails/tweets/Facebook/Goodreads messages I’ve received concerning Wool 5? I’ll give you a hint: It’s more than I get from estranged Nigerian princesses who want me to take their millions and make sweet love to them. (Yeah, that many!)
So, what does this mean for Wool 5? It means the Suckage is going to be legendary. The last time there was this much Suckage, Mel Brooks was going Transformers on us in Spaceballs, and Mega-Maid was Hoovering all the breathable air from the Earth’s atmosphere.
There happens to be a formula for this:
E = m * Suckage * c ^ 2
Where E is Expectations, m is any form of Media, and the Suckage is directly proportional to E (by a factor of the speed of light squared).
This is sometimes referred to as “The Matrix Algorithm” or “Matrix Mathematics.” I’ve also seen this formula simply be called “The Prequels.”
So, here’s our Suckage scale, with 10 being the most Suckage and 1 being the least:
10 – Star Wars Episode I
9 – Duke Nukem Forever
8 – Windows Millenium (WinME)
7 – Spiderman 3
6 – Staying Alive
5 – The iPhone 4s
4 – Scarlett
3 – Ender’s Shadow
2 – Mockingjay
1 – Return of the Jedi
So, chime in with your predictions! Meanwhile, I’ll be writing under the crippling pressure that comes from Middling Success and trying my damnedest to concoct a series of events with such craft, precision, and care that each and every one of you is left equally disappointed.
Wish me luck!